DefineForever's Xanga

because someone is bored and told me to pick up my blog again...

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 23:56:16 GMT

choose to be compliant. says:

"defineforever" I will - the amount of time it takes you to write a blog lately

jamie lovely : ) says:

last time i blogged..

jamie lovely : ) says:

was..

choose to be compliant. says:

two years ago

jamie lovely : ) says:

WHOA BABY

It's been so long since I blogged last, I don't even know where to start. I'm trying to piece awkward bits of thoughts and sentences together and hoping it would be coherent.

So much has happened, and I do wish I captured it all down to words since clearly my memory fails me so much. Every once in a while I'd come back here and read some old blogs to remind myself of who I was or still am.

There's this one thing that I always remembered from a grade 12 teacher. She told us that after university started we must find a place where we think and review our lives. I always wanted to do it, but I never did. I was constantly running forward and not looking back. For all of this time, trying to grasp on whatever that is left of childhood and innocence.

I realize that a blog is exactly what I need to sort out my thoughts, but the process of thinking ALWAYS ALWAYS makes things more complicated than they have to be. Or maybe it's my way of running away from reality if I don't consciously admit to it by writing it all down. Maybe as you grow older you are more reluctant to bare your soul out so you never have to be weak. I find myself especially troubled when I realize that my bubble is slipping away, when I know I'm making a mistake and I am still going on with it. But that is growing up right? Can you just blame everything on growing up? I'm just thankful for my friends and how they always always always keep me grounded. But for once, I wish I can just be a little bit weak.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Sun, 20 May 2007 06:06:08 GMT

i went on a hike on the cheakamus trail with my family today...

and the highlight of my day was seeing that black bear. not the majestic mountains with snow tops but the wild black bear in its natural habitat.

at first it made my day, but then it made me really sad.

for those of you who doesn't know where cheakamus trail is...
it's a trail through ancient forest leading to the cheakamus lake in the garibaldi provincial park just slightly south of whistler village.

this is a picture of the lake i found online by Just_Peachy from flickr. this is what i wanted to see. but we were unlucky because it was sort of raining and there was.. a lot of mist.

there were signs of warning of black bears activity in the park so it made us very cautious of their existence since we didn't want to get mauled by them.
as we were walking back to the gate where we parked our car, suddenly my dad said "careful, there's a bear to the left..." i quickly scanned my surrounding without making direct eye contact with the bear(as it was described in the bear situation guidelines) and there she was, sitting on her butt, within 20 meters of us. she was a lot taller than me, even when she is sitting. and i sorta panicked because she was a black bear and that means we can't climb trees and we probably won't see anyone for 2km on either side. when we walked pass by her, it was scary because we have to keep the same pace without alarming her. but we walked on and she sat there. after we were able to gain about another 20 meters from her a motorcycle passed by, the first thing i could think of was how the bear felt towards the loud motorcycle engine. suddenly, she wasn't scary anymore(plus the fact that now i am away from her) and she was more cute and vulnerable than anything. and it made me think... who are we to add her home to some kind of urban sprawl. who are we to turn her berry fields into golf courses and her home into ski resorts...and with the olympics coming up, the expansion of highways and many other things... i can't imagine how many homes are going to be taken away from the bears, the birds and the other native species.

and just seeing the natural wonders of bc while driving on highway 99, its mountains, ancient forests and glacier water lakes. i can't help but wonder how long they are going to last. how long is it going to be before we pollute the beautiful waterways. how long is it going to be before we cut down all the tree for lumber. how long it's going to be before it will look exactly like every other north american city.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

Sat, 05 May 2007 00:50:22 GMT

it's not everyday you see a chicken cross the road.

today i saw a rooster and hen crossing the road. not any road. the ramp of the high way exit.

i just thought that was really weird. anyways...

i miss the university bubble.

....

and i don't know how to blog anymore. :S

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 04:46:13 GMT

avril lavigne is really on my nerves because....

1. she totally lacks originality, when did she turn into hillary duff??? wait, let me correct myself... when did she turn into hillary duff and then try to copy gwen stefani's style, quite horribly might i add.

2. her video "girlfriend" was just extrememly immature with the whole golfing thing to hit the actual girlfriend and then laughs when the actual girlfriend falls into water

3. the WHOLE frickin' song is about being a homewrecker. WHAT THE CRAP??? WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE is she sending to the tweens that are like so in love with her? this is really disgusting.

p.s. i'm really not an angry person.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 00:32:18 GMT

the estimated waiting time is 20 minutes...

i have been listening to the horrible background music and same advertisment over and over again for 19 minutes and 14 seconds now...

i hate automated telephones, just let me talk to someone!

waiting...
why is it such a common theme in life? waiting in supermarket lines, waiting for doctor's appointment, waiting for your flight and waiting to talk to a representative with automated phone system...

i usually put my speaker on so that i don't have to hold the handset and wait there for however long they are trying to make me wait for...
and then i go off to do something else but stay within the vicinity where i still can hear the phone. but they usually make me wait for so long (i'm doing something else with 100% of my concentration)and when someone finally picks up and says hi i get caught off guard and completely forget why i called...

it's been 25 minutes, my patience is wearing thin.

i would never have to call if you stupid website functioned properly. gah.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 17:09:50 GMT

i swear i blogged like... 3 hrs ago...but where is my new entry?

well here it goes ..again...

i, jamie pan, am a loyal consumer of timmy's large steeped tea double double.

i get my daily dosage of my favorite drink at 10:30am. but ever since roll up the rim to win started, i've only won ONE(can you believe it?) coffee... and i go there like.. EVERYDAY. now i feel less inclined to buy my tea because i mean i go there everyday and i've only won once. this is basically stating my rather obvious bad luck over and over again(every single day). and now i hate the word "again" because that's usually the first word i see when i roll up the rim. this sucks.

but at least the sun is out.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 02:31:20 GMT

i wish i blogged more.

floating...

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 00:43:53 GMT

Rez is empty again. Me, this girl from Hong Kong, this girl from Korea and possibly some west coast boys are still in their rez upstairs.

I HAVE THE MOST DEPRESSING view ever. If you look outside of my window, you'll see the parking lot. People loading and unloading things to and from their car. Parents picking up their kids. parents bringing over food. parents helping their kids to carry luggage and dirty laundry. parents just being infront of them. that makes me miss my parents so much. and then comes the water work. i don't blame them, they wouldn't have moved if i asked them to stay. they would have stayed so i don't feel home sick. but i was so sure i will be alright. and the truth is, i am alright. but there are moments of weakness that hit me and make me incredibly sad. like watching outside my window. watching people loading and unloading things to and from their car. parents picking up their kids. parents bringing over food. parents helping them to carry luggage and dirty laundry. parents just being infront of them.

anyways, i'm back to 'to/Sauga tomorrow. but i'm bumming over at czerny's. even though they treat me like family, but it will never be the real thing will it?

daryl was home today and we went out exploring waterloo. skating and eating CLEAN pho. and updating me on the new high tech stuff in future shop(since i have been secluded for so long). and buying cds. lots and lots of cds. that made me feel a little less lonely than i would have been. i bought KT Tunstall's Eye to the Telescope from future shop and we listened to lots of music at the used cd store. and i bought damien rice 9, Bell X1 flock, and Rufus Wainwright poses. better than ezra.good music always seem to make the day a little brighter.

i'll see you kids soon : )

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 05:44:53 GMT

i miss being younger
i miss being naive

i just want to turn back time.

(i was going to e-mail it to postsecret.com but it looks like you can only mail it. oh well)

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 00:10:06 GMT

sometimes words can eat you up. they consume you.

like how fear can rip you apart.

and at that point i really didn't like who i am.

----

so, jon and i planned to go to conestoga mall today. so we went to SLC bus stop to wait for the bus. 7D came by at 3:30 and we didn't take it because it doesn't go to conestoga. so we waited for 7C or E(anyways i'm still confused about it) and after an hour it still didn't come. so we called the transit system automated schedule thing and the line was BUSY! so we hopped on to 7D when it finally came because by then we were half frozen and just sorta... wanted to see and wait to see where it goes. but by the time we reached downtown kitchener we got off at the charles st. terminal because the idea of staying on the bus and ending up in cambridge was too sketch.

so we just randomly ended up in a used book store called casablanca and spend about an hour there. and by the time we came out it was dark. but we decided to do some more exploring and when we passed by a bingo hall jon went "BINGO!" and then there was a lady smoking outside of the hall and said "BINGO!" to jon. and by then it was too sketch. so we decided to take the bus back to loo. little did we know we hopped on the wrong 7 bus again! and both of us sorta fell asleep and ended up in CONESTOGA! so we stayed on the bus and got off at columbia because there was no other way of getting home and walked in the cold for a long time(half an hour?) till we got back at rez.

anyways, i hate waterloo transit system.